I am a mother to two babies adopted at birth. I am aware of many of the laws within our state concerning adoption and I am very mindful of my adoption language as well as promoting a positive view on adoption for those who want to know more about the process or who are thinking of adopting.

The support given to everyone who posts a question in this catergory is tremendous. It’s great to see others offering their advice and words of well wishes to those on all sides of the adoption triad.

However, I’ve noticed that sometimes the advice given is based on opinion or misinformation rather than fact. So, please keep in mind that not everything you read here is considered to be lawful or factual.

Use this forum as a resource, but make sure you check out your own state’s laws as well during your research.

Adoption is wonderful and I hope that everyone considering adoption, placing a child for adoption, or searching for birthparents to be well informed.

I think that anyone, regardless of the category that they are posting a question in, should take all that they read here with a pinch of salt. Yes, most of it is personal opinion and therefore should never be taken as the gospel truth . . . I am wondering how many people believe everything they read here. . . . some of the questions do amaze me but I think that if people have half a brain, they would get some general advice here but back it up properly with more specialised and verified advice . . . . surely?!

Thanks for your post – and concern!

Best wishes.

I’m interested in the possibility of one day adopting a child (under 5 yrs old) from another country. How does one get started? Are there any good organizations?

***Please no negativity or unhelpful comments.***

Check out the forum: Informed Adoption advocates. There is a lot of good information there and your questions will get some real answers.

My husband and I have been set an assignement from our social worker who is carrying out our home study and it is to discuss Post Adoption and all of the issues therein, from the time our child comes home with us.

Post adoption Issues:

- When and how will you talk to your child about adoption?
- How will you address the topic at the various stages of their life (how to discuss adoption with a 14 yr old is very different to a 5 year old)?
- What will you tell your child about their first family and their family history?
- If it is an Open Adoption how will organise visitation and the sharing of information, letters and photos etc with the first family?
- If it is not an open adoption how will you deal with the possibility that your child may want to search for their first family or they (or you) may want more information about their family or medical history?
- Are there siblings? Will your child have contact with them?
- How will you deal with any health or emotional issues that arise in the future particularly those that are unexpected or may have been caused or contributed to by the first family (eg. foetal alcohol syndrome, abuse etc)?
- How will you deal with possible trauma, grief or attachment issues that your child may experience? Have you done extensive reading on these issues?

- What will you tell others about your child’s adoption?
- How does your family feel about the adoption and what will you do if family members or friends treat them differently to biological family members?
- What will you teach your child about how to deal with other people’s opinions and comments especially if they are negative, cruel or intrusive?
- What will you tell your child’s school about their Adoption and how will you deal with topics or projects that may be difficult for them (eg. family trees, genetics etc)?

If your child is from a different race/culture to you:
- Do you plan on teaching your child about their culture and how will you do that?
- Are you aware of common stereotypes pertaining to that culture (eg "All asians are good at math") and how to plan on dealing with that?
- How will you help your child deal with racism?
- If your child is from another country are you planning on taking them back to visit their country/first family/foster family?

- If your child is being adopted as an older child are you aware of the issues that are common in older child adoption and how will you deal with them if they arise?
- If your child has spent time in an orphanage setting or is coming from a deprived environment are you aware of the issues (sensory issues, self stimulation behaviours, developmental delays etc) and how will you deal with them?
- If your child is coming from a foster family will you maintain contact with them?
- Are you aware of post adoptive depression?
- Have you researched/talked about the issues surrounding disrupted adoptions?
- Do you understand how to seek help if you need it?

I’m getting married this year and my fiance wants to adopt my son. There is no biological father in the picture and never has been so I should be the only parent giving consent to the adoption, I believe. We’ve priced attorneys and can’t really afford one right now and are wondering if we can do it ourselves but I can’t find any forms specific to Arkansas, nor do I know the procedure and guidelines for Adoption in Arkansas. Is this doable and what all do I need in order to be able to do it ourselves?

I live in Arkansas and I adopted my step daughter. You really do need a lawyer. Even if the biological father isn’t in the paper, you will have to show the court you tried to contact him. When I adopted my step daughter I paid $750 for the lawyer and $140 for the filing fee.

In Arkansas, there is no limit of time you must be married in order for your new husband to adopt, so as soon as you are married, he can file to adopt. After he files, it can go to court after 30 days. So he could adopt your child within 2 months of your marriage.

Keep checking around, I am sure you can get a lawyer fairly cheap. Also in Arkansas, if the bio father has not paid child support or tried to visit the child in a year, his rights can be terminated for legal abandonment.

A lawyer will make sure it is all done legally. You REALLY need a lawyer for this. This is not a do-it-yourself thing.

There is a local grandmother (state is alabama) that is putting her grandbaby (under a year) up for Adoption. The child’s parents rights have been terminated b/c of the dad beat it up and the mom did not report it. The grandmother has custody. It was announced at a friend’s church and so far we r the only ones interested. What would be an approximate cost to do a Private Adoption (through a lawyer) with this woman?

It depends on if the baby is in the state system or not. If he is in the state system (foster, etc) then it should be almost free. (you’d probably have to pay for finalization, which for us was $750) If the child isn’t in the system, it’s probably be less than 2 thousand. (you’ll only have to pay for lawyers fees)

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We repeatedly hear questions on this board from one side of the triad or the other about people not maintaining or even exploiting the concept/promises of "open" adoption – APs promising contact and then shutting out the FPs, FPs not responding to invitations, correspondance or requests, one party or another using the situation for personal gain, etc.

My question is, if agencies are supposed to be "matching" people (or providing profiles of the of the other possible party for "choices" based on minimal "preference" questions) why is this such a frequent problem?

I think it is partly due to the fact that these agencies make their "matches" on superficial things like ethnicity, education levels, etc. rather than on any sort of personality based method. I wonder if there would be more successful "open" adoptions if these "matches" were based more on something like personality or psychological testing.

I also wonder if agencies were more active in encouraging "bonding" between families if the "success" rates would improve.

BTW, I am AGAINST "pre-birth matching" in general, I was just pondering this issue due to some of today’s Qs and was wondering what other people’s thoughts and experiences were on/with the subject.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
To clarify, I am asking what you think are possible causes for the low "success rate" of "open" adoptions (meaning adoptions where on going contact is promised) when agencies are supposedly "matching" people who intend on having a long term relationship.

I DO NOT mean that the things that people are currently "matched" on are not necessary considerations. I am saying that I think a DEEPER look at compatibility should be made. If dating services and employers can make the effort, why can’t, shouldn’t Adoption Agencies?

NOR am I saying that it would give any guarantees. I am WELL aware people LIE about things and circumstances change (as I have mentioned here often). I am trying to gather ideas for ways of possibly IMPROVING the system.

Thanks.
Loserguurl:
"WHY is this about PAP’s keeping the adoption open ONLY? There are plenty-*MANY*-situations where the natural parents just disappear."

Where did I say ANY of that? I asked about agency responsibility – NOT the FPs OR APs. Please RE-READ the question.
Thank to the people who actually read and answered the question!

I’m gathering that most people feel public agencies handle the "matching" process better than private agencies. I agree – although it is more about the kids being matched than the two sets parents. (As it should be – especially with older children!) Why is this level of care not expected from private agencies? Considering the fees involved…they can certainly afford it. If adoption is supposed to be in the best interest of a child is it not in their best interest to be placed in the best and most copacetic situation regarding all their parents? (I am not talking about TPR situations.)
Thank to the people who actually read and answered the question!

I’m gathering that most people feel public agencies handle the "matching" process better than private agencies. I agree – although it is more about the kids being matched than the two sets parents. (As it should be – especially with older children!) Why is this level of care not expected from private agencies? Considering the fees involved…they can certainly afford it. If adoption is supposed to be in the best interest of a child is it not in their best interest to be placed in the best and most copacetic situation regarding all their parents? (I am not talking about TPR situations.)

Holy shit! Adoption agencies just give children away to the highest bidder, unless it is from foster care where they give them away to anyone who qualifies on there standards.

My friend was an adoption agency baby, the kind people pay 30,000 for. So, she got these parents who do not care about her at all. They just use her for show and so their friends will think they are saints. She ran away four times since these people are terrible and went into foster care because she proved that they were incompetent and just got adopted last year at the age of 11.

I was given old parents, which isn’t that bad, but they don’t understand me. They believe I invent my life and that everything is fake. They are those old people who believe tampons take away your virginity. OMG! They believe that I cause my bullying issues at school, and believe me I try to run away from it. They love me though, they are happy when I succeed and they only want the best for me, so I got a pretty good match.

I think Open Adoption should be enforced. They do terrible matching at all agencies. Who to give the baby too, which parents go together.

My parents tend to talk trash against my bio mom. Which never seeks to amaze me. Plus it was one of those out of state adoption things where they never got to meet them. Apparently I have received two letters since I was born, but then she dropped all contact and my mom can’t find her. Yeah right! What a load of BS.

For parent to parent matching, why don’t they simply just find two people who share an effing interest, not monetary status or a friggin education level. I mean seriously people!

-Tempe

Do you think that if all Adoption Agencies were non-profit, with salary caps set at a reasonable rate (I know a woman who operates a non-profit thrift store for her "ministry" and salary is 105,000/year + benefits) with the rate being around what a state employee makes, that it would help Adoption overall making it affordable for middle class, and giving 1st moms less pressure, and ending stealing babies from all over?

Also the incentive for placing a baby should be removed.

Even if the worker makes $30K, but if she places another baby it would bump her up to 31K, then thats where the problem is.

I think adoption should be taken care of by the government just like foster care.

My name is Kacy. My sister was adopted years ago. Shes now 20 & I’m trying to find her. If anyone can help me that would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Have you tried Myspace of Facebook? I found my 4 siblings there and were were all adopted. It is the most amazing thing. I had their names and dates of birth. Good Luck to you! Do not loose hope, it will happen when it is meant to. I was literally lying in bed trying to fall asleep when the thought came to me, try it now. And I did. I had been looking for years on Myspace and literally 3 weeks after my brother put his profile up, I found him.

And start saying they should adopt from their own country instead. It’s nobody elses business, so why can’t people just answer the questions and keep thier ignorant opinions to themselves?
Linda D, i’ve read your profile,and honey, it’s you who needs to get a life! You are obviously bored with no real opinion, go and troll somewhere else.

I think it’s partly because some people have a very strong belief that you should "take care of your own first", and partly because some people are uneducated on adoption and don’t realise that different types of adoption require different criteria, therefore domestic Adoption isn’t suitable for all people. I agree though, people should answer the questions! Oh well, l guess it’s always interesting to hear other’s opinions!