I suspect the answer may lie with one or some combination of these reasons:

1) As the others suggested, it is the very rare mother who does not experience great pain from the loss of her child even if it was something she was led to believe she thought was best at the time. She may still be processing how to best respond. She may have moved. Or something could have happened to her or a family member, i.e. sickness, hospitalization, death, etc.

2) It’s possible your correspondence is not reaching her. As unbelievable as it may sound, some agencies really do not have genetic connections & reunions high on their priority lists. Would not be at all surprised if your items (and hers) ended up in their trash bin. That is routine, unspoken policy in some agencies, regardless of what they tell the other parties. (Something similar happened to my family too.) She could be sitting at home wondering why YOU never responded to HER letters she sent to YOU. Don’t assume she received anything unless you have personally talked to her.

Adoptive parents who see the value in maintaining genetic connections for the children they adopted, should really try to directly facilitate communication rather than relying upon any 3rd party to do this for them. Assuming the child is not in danger of being abused by their first family, all adoptions should be open for the best interests of the child. Honesty is always the best policy!

As for what to do – continue to send pictures & letters. Keep an EXTRA copy of everything you send out in your own scrapbook too. That way there is an extra record of all the efforts you put forth in case the sent copies "get lost" over the years. You will still have something to share with your child & his/her first parents should they reunite later. If possible, see if your 3rd party will contact the other family to state you are open to direct contact whenever they are ready. There’s no guarantee that will work since it was not set up to be open in the first place. It couldn’t hurt to try. That way you can eliminate the middleman and assure that your child has connections to his/her roots. Your child will later appreciate those efforts more than being told that it was a "semi-open adoption that didn’t work." Adoption may not seem like an important issue to your child now. Someday it will be & there is much you can do to influence what type of experience it will be for them. Good luck,

julie j
reunited adult adoptee
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Secondly, who knows how she feels about the adoption? Perhaps she is trying to block it out and get on with her life because it is so painful? I don’t know about the reasons that led her to feel she was unable to parent HER child but I would say her lack of communication is not reason to just cut her off. Have you ever actually tried to ask her gently if there was anything she wanted to send her child? Just a little something so there was something to show her child later down the track.

Yes, I know you adopted him/her which makes you this child’s legal parents now, but she will always be his/her mother as well and therefore needs respect as such. Even if for her own reasons she cannot face the situation right now.

I would say just continue sending letters and photos… and see what happens. At least them you can say you have done the right thing and upheld your end of the bargain.
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I know that when we adopted our daughter we signed up for our Provincial post adoption registry which allows us to send pictures, letters and small things to the birth parents and they can in turn do the same to us if they wish. We’ve been registered since Day 1 however they have never bothered even though they were provided the papers as part of the court process AND provided with them by the social worker. They refused to sign at that time saying "she would think about it". They have also not enrolled for any of their previous 8 children who were also apprehended and placed for adoption. Why? Again, only they can answer it and I’m not in a position to understand why not.
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I would suggest that you continue as agreed and set your expectations accordingly.
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I think a lot of women see semi open as an option when they consider an adoption they’re not totally 100% with (and who is?) but really it must just suck. After a while I imagine it can feel like a taunt seeing pictures of a child who you had to give up, especially if your circumstances have changed or you have some regrets and what updates would you write other than to say you wish you hadn’t given them away?

Isn’t there an agency that can contact her? At least if you know she’s out of the agreement you can stop sending things.
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