is the popularity of "open adoption" an indication that many first parents are ambivalent…?
…about placing their child.
i often wonder, why many first parents choose open adoption. is it simply to "make sure the kid is being cared for well", "to have access to medical and family information", or are these arrangements an indication that many first parents are not cool with " conceiving, breeding, birthing and walking away?"
many young people have come to this board devastated because an adoptive parent closed an adoption for unknown or frivolous reasons. if the decision to place a child is indeed understood as "permanent" and that "one may never see this child again", why all the tears and disappointment?
do you believe Adoption agencies are being truly honestly about open adoption?
i’m just curious to know what first parents REALLY believe open adoption means when they chose it.
correction:
"do you believe Adoption Agencies are honest and transparent when counseling pregnant women– and their partners–about open adoption?"
"After a little over a year of online web chatting with web cams, the girls getting to know one another, they shut it all down and demanded that I never make reference to the girls being siblings…"
-yikes! you need to post this statement every time someone suggests OA to a scared young pregnant woman. there’s a special place in hell for aparents like these.
i’m so sorry…
I always hear people rant about "how great" Open Adoptions are to those considering placing their babies. "Oh, you’ll get to see your baby!" "Oh, you’ll know how good your baby is being taken care of!"
Of course, most of the praises come from people who have no clue.
It’s made to appear legally binding, like a visitation agreement, but the lawyer or agency fail to mention that the agreement is worth less than toilet paper. It’s all about whether or not the PAP’s truly plan to honor their promises or if they were just out to say what an expectant mother wants to hear in order to get their greedy paws on a baby.
Sure would like to know what me and my 5 yr old did to piss off my younger daughter’s adopters. After a little over a year of online web chatting with web cams, the girls getting to know one another, they shut it all down and demanded that I never make reference to the girls being siblings and they were only going to send pics and updates from there on out. Explain to a 5 yr old that her sissy’s mom and dad are insecure butt holes and that’s why they won’t let her talk with sissy.
I think people paint open adoption as something it is not in order to convince women to relinquish their babies. You can make all the promises in the world to get what you want, but what happens after you get what you want is another story. Since it open adoption is not legally enforcable, I don’t think it’s a good idea to use that at all.
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I think they use open adoption as a lure. The agencies do not tell mothers that the adoptive parents can choose to disappear at a moment’s notice and she may never see or hear from them again.
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I have an open adoption with my son’s first mom. He is two and we would never close the open adoption even if problems arose. I think you can make adjustments if problems do arise or there might be some child endagerment going on. We are all adults and I believe we can work through problems in an adult manner without punishing the child. Once an adoption is final, they are rarely overturned so I see no need to ever close an open adoption because of fear that first parents will get the child back. That’s very stupid. Even if the first parent crosses boundaries that maybe shouldn’t be crossed, you can at least try to have the meetings be a little more facilitated by the adoption agency, or meet at extremely neutral locations. There are always adjustments that can be made to keep the adoption open.
I believe an open adoption is in the best interest of the child so they should never be closed because of an AP’S insecurities. I also believe they help my son’s first mother cope with the loss of her baby. She knows he is being well taken care of. She can see my husband and I have a very stable, loving marriage so there is no fear of divorce. She can see that he has an awesome dad. I know this means a lot to her. Hopefully my son can grow up feeling loved and not abandoned and continue a relationship with her for the rest of his life. I don’t even have a problem with him calling her mom later on in life. Whatever feels right to him. That’s what matters the most!
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Its just a coercive tactic misleading the nmoms to believe they will have some rights to their child.
Unfortunately when people are confused and traumatized they do fall for the Handshake deals….thinking they will hold up in court if they get shafted.
Agencies know exactly what they are doing……and its not in the natural parents best interest. They don’t make their money from them.
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Agencies are not the only party using this tactic to lure in prey.
Its a big game until the ink dries or the kid is out of the country.
Open adoption is misrepresented.
I do not believe agencies are honest and transparent when ’selling’ open adoption as an option, no. It is evident from their websites full of promises of open adoption too, there is no mention whatsoever that open adoption is not enforceable.
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Open adoptions are not what they claim to be.
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Again, I am an adoptive parent, but I can tell you from our daughter’s mother’s experience that she has shared with me, she was made to believe that the adoptive parents who signed the prettied up "open adoption" consent had to adhere to it. It was never remotely mentioned to her that if we wanted to we could completely ignore it and turn our backs on her. Quite frankly, neither did we. It came to light for both of us when a friend of hers relinquished her son and the adoptive parents did not live up to their word as far as pics and updates, when she questioned the agency that is when she was told that their word was not worth the paper it ws printed on.
I don’t believe this is few and far between happening either.
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I’m not sure entirely how U.S agencies ’sell’ open adoption to potential adoptive parents. The one book I read called the ‘open adoption’ mainly focused on pre-birth matching and that was what an open adoption is. That’s not how we do open adoption here so I got rid of the book. Most American books are a far cry from how adoption and attitudes towards adoption is conducted in Australia so I gave up reading them.
Openness in adoption is referred to as the ongoing relationship between the three parties involved after the adoption is finalized. If we forgot to send pictures and updates at the agreed times we get a polite call from a social worker (assigned to our files in post adoptions,) reminding us that its time to send an update or arrange a visit. It goes both ways and you’d have to give very good reasons for reneging on a SIGNED agreement. (Our system isn’t perfect but at least they try to work for the childs best interests.)
They don’t give potential adoptive parents a choice in open adoption or not, its up to the birth family if they want it or not. Though DOCS do ask for letters and pictures regardless just in case over the years your child’s birth mother calls and decides she does want some information. That’s just how it is and most AP’s accept it from what I know. If you don’t tough don’t become and adoptive parent.
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Aussie adoptive mum
I always hear people rant about "how great" open adoptions are to those considering placing their babies. "Oh, you’ll get to see your baby!" "Oh, you’ll know how good your baby is being taken care of!"
Of course, most of the praises come from people who have no clue.
It’s made to appear legally binding, like a visitation agreement, but the lawyer or agency fail to mention that the agreement is worth less than toilet paper. It’s all about whether or not the PAP’s truly plan to honor their promises or if they were just out to say what an expectant mother wants to hear in order to get their greedy paws on a baby.
Sure would like to know what me and my 5 yr old did to piss off my younger daughter’s adopters. After a little over a year of online web chatting with web cams, the girls getting to know one another, they shut it all down and demanded that I never make reference to the girls being siblings and they were only going to send pics and updates from there on out. Explain to a 5 yr old that her sissy’s mom and dad are insecure butt holes and that’s why they won’t let her talk with sissy.
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Mommy to Michelle
Mother to Baby Z
Hey Tish…
From the emails I get, yes, ambivalent and I would say it is because many of the mothers feel ‘guilt-ed’ into placing in the first place and go with open adoption because they feel they won’t be totally losing their children. These same emails then turn into the horror stories of how, as soon as the PAP’s had the babies, within 6 months or as soon as the ink was dry on the finalisation, the ‘open’ part ceased and the mothers were left empty handed. It is truly tragic and sad.
I can’t say what agencies in the States are like but from the experience of these mothers I have had contact with (majority from the US) they said they were not told the open adoption agreement wasn’t legally binding; they discovered once the adoption was closed and they were, in most cases, also not told of the full ramifications of adoption. Very, very sad and tragic.
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The true stories of mothers
Hey Tish-
I know I have an odd view of adotion and get a lot of thumbs down on my personal story (hilarious, isn’t it)
But I never even considered open adoption. I felt that to be able to see him, touch him, be around him….would be so traumatic on us both. I truly wanted / want him to think of his parents as his parents. I gave birth to him but HE IS NOT MINE! I chose adoption on my own with no coersion or forced placement at all. If I wanted open adoption, I would have kept him and let my parents raise him while I continued to be a stupid 16/17 yr old in high school. lol
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adoptee and bmom